First published in Punch, October 21, 1903.

THE FUTURE ATKINS
By
P.G. Wodehouse

[It is suggested that, as "brains will in future take the place of  great
armaments," more attention should be paid to the education of soldiers.]

Oh, we take him from the city or the plough,
And we give him Latin grammars of his own;
We teach him to distinguish *me* from *ou*,
And how to use the works of Mr BOHN.
We don't pay much attention to physique,
We are working now on quite another plan;
If his prose correct and terse is,
And he writes good Latin verses,
He's the model of a military man.
O'oh, TOMMY, TOMMY ATKINS,
You're a scholar, you've a brain:
Any crux or doubtful reading
You are able to explain.
You're a student of the Classics,
May you stick to them like glue!
Oh, TOMMY, TOMMY ATKINS,
Here's our best respects to you.

I admit the smell of powder makes you faint,
I own you are not handy with a gun,
Perhaps your views on drill are rather quaint,
But what is that when all said and done?
The merest dullard knows enough to fight:
A fool is bright enough to save his skin:
All these Generals in the past erred,
What we want are men who've mastered
The various intricacies of *prin*.
O'oh, TOMMY, TOMMY ATKINS,
You're not dashing-no; but still
You're a sort of Dr. PORSON
With a touch of STUART MILL.
Though you stoop when you are marching,
Though your aim is far from true,
Oh, TOMMY, TOMMY ATKINS,
Here's our best respects to you.

The battles that we fought in days of yore
Were absolutely lacking in finesse,
Coarse, vulgar saturnalia of gore,
When courage won, and learning counted less.
A certain skill and pluck was needed then;
All that, however, we're about to change.
No need to stab or shoot, your
Battles, TOMMY, in the future
Will be fought with dictionaries at long range.
O'oh, TOMMY, TOMMY ATKINS,
Keep your mind alert and bright;
On the field of Armageddon
You will shortly have to fight.
You will have to guard our Empire,
Stock your brain with knowledge, do---
Oh, TOMMY, TOMMY ATKINS,
We civilians lean on you.

So though perhaps you're not exactly tall,
What need for us to cavil at your height?
What matter if a warrior be small,
If he can construe Eschylus at sight?
Though your back is not so straight as we could wish,
Though your eyesight isn't all that it might be,
Though you're puny, meagre, skinny,
You can make short work of Pliny,
You are fit to take a classical degree.
O'oh, TOMMY, TOMMY ATKINS,
You're a good 'un , no mistake;
False quantities and howlers
You are never known to make.
Vastly different from the dunces
Brawling loud at Waterloo,
Oh, TOMMY, TOMMY ATKINS,
We are very proud of you.